I have no idea what I'm doing...

A fearless bitch

I always had this feeling,
That I was very good,
At improvising.

When I was late,
As a kid,
In school,
I always had a great excuse,
Not too unbelievable,
But always just right,
To not get punished.

When my kids,
Need something for school,
The next day,
And they tell me last minute,
I always whip up something,
So they don’t get in trouble.

When it’s someone’s birthday,
And I forgot about it,
I’ll buy an,
“Oops a bit too late” card,
And make it out to be,
Like it was meant that way,
As if it was a surprise,
They weren’t expecting anymore.

Or sometimes,
When there are no clean socks,
Except two totally different ones,
I’ll wear them,
And make it out to be,
A fashion statement.

People buy it,
They believe it,
So when I decided,
To follow lessons,
On improvising theatre,
Everybody told me,
It would be a smooth sail,
For me.

Turns out,
It’s not,
Duh.

The difference is,
Wen I improvise at home,
Nobody is watching me,
When I’m in the lesson,
16 pair of eyes,
Are on me,
And I freeze.

I start thinking,
Can I say this?
Can I do that?
Won’t that come off wrong?
And you know what?
After that,
The moment is gone,
And people have moved on,
Leaving me,
With my mouth,
Wide open,
It’s not a pretty sight.

It got me really confused,
At the end of my first year,
Who was I?
Where was my identity?

Feeling like the only one,
That was struggling,
Didn’t help either,
Other people jumped in,
Blurred out stuff,
That was so funny,
It made my eyes tear up,
With laughter.

At the end of the year,
I felt like,
A miserabel mess.

Still,
I’m gonna go,
For the second year,
Because if I can get over myself,
I will reach a state,
That will make life much easier,
Because there is no greater freedom,
Then not caring about,
What other people think.

And when I can achieve that,
All roads are open,
And I’ll never have to fear anything,
Ever again.

And I feel like,
That is who I am,
Deep down,
A fearless bitch,
And she is just waiting,
To come out.

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