I have no idea what I'm doing...

It’s all lies

I’m a liar.

It’s true,
This is the most,
Truthful thing,
To come out of my mouth,
Right now.

Everyday,
I lie,
It started,
With little lies,
Like:
“I’m fine”,
When someone asked me,
How I was,
While on the inside,
I was screaming:
“I want to go to sleep!”

Sleep,
Everyday,
I crave,
The deep joy,
Of sleeping,
And being unconscious,
Numbing me,
Of all the fear,
And feelings,
Building up,
Inside of me.

Because everyday,
I have to lie,
About them,
Keep a brave face,
Looking like,
I have everything,
Under control.

But the only certainty,
We have in life,
Is that we have,
No control,
Over anything.

We can’t even be sure,
That our bus,
Will be on time,
Or that our washing machine,
Will do,
What we told it to do,
Before we left the house.

We can only assume,
That it will,
But there is always,
A chance,
That the bus doesn’t show up,
Or that the washing machine,
Floods our house,
In some way.

You see,
The only lies,
We really tell,
Are the ones,
We feed ourselves.

Like:
“I can’t do this”
“This is too much”
“I can’t take this anymore”

And the only one,
That gets fooled,
By not speaking up,
About these doubts,
Is us,
Well,
In this case,
Me.

My heart has had,
Enough.

It’s pounding,
In my chest,
Suffocating me,
Making me feel,
Like I can’t breath,
That there is no room,
For anything.

It’s called,
A panic attack.

I have a lot of them,
Lately,
Because I’m scared,
Scared to live,
Afraid to die,
Without having done,
Anything useful.

But I’m speaking up now,
To you,
An unknown reader,
That saw something,
In this blog.

And I do this,
Not as an act,
Of bravery,
Or as a cry,
For your sympathy,
No.

I do this,
So that if you ever,
Feel the same,
Maybe at this very moment,
That I understand you,
That I hear you,
And that you are not alone,
Ever.

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