I have no idea what I'm doing...

Monster feelings

I have a complicated relationship,
With my emotions,
And feelings.

I suppress them,
And it’s not healthy.

I know it’s not,
But I can’t seem,
To change it.

My first hurdle,
Is trying to express,
Those feelings,
Into words.

Other people,
Can make speeches,
That bring tears to people’s eyes,
Without giving it any thought.

With me,
I struggle,
And fall,
Just to get across,
That something,
Made me mad.

It can go two ways,
I’ll swallow it,
And just say nothing,
I’ll go blazing,
Spitting fire,
Destroying everything,
Still not getting my point across,
But making everything worse.

It’s like my mind,
And heart,
Aren’t connected,
And they fight with each other,
All the time.

“You should shut up,
Nobody cares about that,
Or you’ll sound crazy,
And they’ll run”.

“You should say how you feel,
People will understand,
You’ll build better relationships,
Life will get better,
Don’t worry”.

It’s like a little wire,
Was forgotten,
The day I was born,
Or that somebody didn’t know,
Where it should go,
So they didn’t ask,
And hid it away,
In a plant pot or something.

My husband thinks,
I’m here,
To create that wire myself,
That it’s my challenge,
Something I just have to learn,
And he has full confidence,
That I can do it,
Without question.

I’m not so sure about that,
I told him,
That I tricked him,
Into believing that I’m a normal person,
And that when I would talk,
About all those emotions inside of me,
He would run for the hills.

His answer?
I know about all your monsters,
And they don’t scare me,
On the contrary,
They are one of the reasons I married you.

My mind:
“You don’t deserve him,
Let him find the one,
That can really make him happy”.

My heart:
“You are so lucky,
Never let him go”.

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